I was surprised on Monday afternoon to receive four breaking news alerts on my iPhone. What on Earth had happened? War in the Middle East? A tragic accident somewhere? Has cancer been cured?
No, it was none of those. Kate Middleton had a baby. And BBC, CNN, USA Today and even KING 5 News, the Seattle NBC affiliate, wanted me to know that. They figured it was important enough to interrupt my day.
CNN actually took it one step further in a "TMI" moment:
So, there you go. The baby is here, and it was delivered through Kate's natural female orifice. Disappointingly, there is no word yet about whether or not Kate followed in the footsteps of January Jones and ate her placenta. (I'm expecting a breaking news alert at any moment.)
Alas, perhaps my sarcasm is misguided. The arrival of this new bundle of joy could very well be big news. Indeed, as the newest member of the overprivileged royal elite, he will face a life of ceaseless difficulty.
First of all, the baby's home will be Kensington Palace. It's not nearly as nice as Buckingham Palace, which has 775 rooms. Kensington, on the other hand, hardly even qualifies as a palace. As the AP describes: "The name is misleading: The property is actually a four-story house with a nursery, 20 rooms and a private garden." Honestly, how can we expect the baby to thrive under such squalid living conditions?
Second, money will almost certainly be an issue. Prince William, the baby's father, is worth a paltry $40 million. But, research suggests that happiness partially depends on relative wealth. In other words, you are happier if you have more money than other people you know. Unfortunately, the new baby has some very rich competition. His great-grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, is worth $510 million. How can a baby boy be happy knowing that his great-grandmother is far richer than he likely ever will be? Thus, we can expect the new baby to struggle with depression.
Finally, as if all of those burdens weren't enough for any one human being to bear, once the baby grows up, he will be expected to help charities by trotting around on horses playing polo. Oh, the sacrifices he will make!
Yes, the nonstop press coverage was indeed justified.
The only mystery left is the baby's name. May I humbly suggest Richard? It's been a long time since a Richard has ruled the UK.
(AP Photo)
